Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
