Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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