do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
