So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
