the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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