Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
His nipple licking is glorious
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