Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
