they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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