Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
