I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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