i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
