I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
