The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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