I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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