Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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