In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
