I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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