My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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