Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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