I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
