I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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