Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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