Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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