Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
