So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
