I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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