I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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