dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
