you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
