i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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