i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
