Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
