So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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