i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Please don't give away my fajitas
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
