so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
