I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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