eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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