I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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