I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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