Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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