I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
