I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
