I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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