I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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