This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
