Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
