I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
