Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
