we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
