i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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